Burning Down Inside

It has been far too long since I really sat down and wrote in this blog. What is there to say? The days and weeks have marched forward, the seasons have shifted, and I have grown and stagnated.

I have made some real progress, but I have also seen some real setbacks. I can blame any number of things, but it comes back to choices I make. I know that.

"I have just now come from a party where I was its life and soul; witticisms streamed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me, but I went away — yes, the dash should be as long as the radius of the earth's orbit ——————————— and wanted to shoot myself." - Søren Kierkegaard

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That has been me lately. I feel at times I will burst if I do not say the witty and wildly inappropriate thought that has sprung into my mind. My my mouth becomes a wellspring offensive humor and shocking statements. I get laughs and sharp intakes of breath... I get reactions. It is unfortunately something I have come to thrive on as an adult. Now as I try to step awayy from that aspect of my life, I find myself not simply trying to resist saying these things. I find myself trying not to have these thoughts at all. The fire that [I] have warmed up to is only going to burn [me] up inside [mae].

We build ourselves piece by piece from debris around us. I am now trying to shed these things, so that I may grow without their restriction. I know this all very hard. I know this is all challenging and difficult. I also know that I make it harder.

"The task must be made difficult, for only the difficult inspires the noble-hearted." - Søren Kierkegaard

Forward Motion

Things have been getting better everyday. I am praying regularly, I've been reading my new Bible (still need to do so more), I'm attending church, and my circle of friends knows where I stand.

I have had a few minor setbacks, but I am working with God on these problems. I am trying to put it all behind me... The record that we kept of wrongs and rights [m].

Now with my wife and our youngest attending church with me, things seem to be falling into place. Our eldest and my daughter will be a different story, for they both carry their own complications. I have faith though, I really do.

Sometimes I wonder how hings ever got to this point. Did I wake up one morning a creature of night [tc]? The truth is that I know... I lost my faith because I was focused on the wrong things. I lost sight of God's love... I was focused on facts and figures. It has been a wake up call to me, and a warning.

In unrelated news, I have been considering my writing projects, and how I may change them in light of my change. More on that later...

A Whisper & A Clamour

The past several days have been full of activity and surprises. I have have seen ups and downs, triumphs and failures.

Several days ago, I was given a new Bible by my friend Leslie. After my complaints about how my old one was lost (and ruined with mildew), she went and got one for me. It was a tremendous gift and I am very thankful and humbled.

I went to church Sunday. It was the first time since all of this happened that I was able to. It was wonderful and welcoming. The community was friendly and open. They are a Grace-ful lot.

I spoke to my wife finally. I went to her Sunday night. She was not upset about my revelation at all. She was, in fact, hapy for me. She further surprised me by saying she has always felt this is my true path. She was upset that I hid it from her. She was upset that I went to other people and we all kept this from her. We worked it out. I promised not to keep tings from her again. Lesson learned.

I "went public" last night on Facebook. It sounds weird... but I just wanted a way to let everyone who had been asking questions know what was going on. It was overall, very positive.

That's all for now. Let's keep it moving in a Forward Motion [tfk].

Never Take Friendship Personal

It's just after 1 a.m. I was checking my Facebook before going to bed. I had checked my message on there and was clicking on a friend's name who had recently sent me a message. She had un-friended me.

The significance of this social blow is unfolded with a short story, but first; an introduction.

I have known this girl for about ten years. I met her when she was about 15. I was the retail manager for High Peak Sportswear in downtown Roanoke. She was brought in by the new retail company-wide manager. Tara was an awkward girl at the time. She was in some ways mature for her age. I enjoyed her company at the store. We had some great conversations and she began to confide in me a little.

On some level I had assumed an older brother position with her. I picked on her, listened to her, and mildly lectured her at times. When I terminated my employment in 2002, I started to lose touch with her.

After my wife left me, I ran in to her a few times downtown. These encounters were friendly, at times harmlessly flirtatious, and always brief. When I found her on Facebook I was pleasantly surprised and we became friends on the site.

I posted a note just the other day thanking several individuals for all of their support and help while I have been going through this. The note was vague and anyone reading it who wasn't one of those people would have no idea what it was about... I'm still not public yet.

Tara sent me a note about one of the names I thanked. She asked if I went to his church and told me to be careful. What was really weird is that she asked if I had changed. I thought it sounded like an odd question. She told me to be careful of what a church might teach me and to listen to myself. I thanked her for her concern. I told her I was more interested in my relationship with God than what a church told me to believe. I even told her that I would be careful. She didn't write back. No big deal.

When I went to click on her name tonight, she had deleted me as a friend. Why?

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It has gotten me worried all over again. I never thought of Tara as hostile toward Christians. She has always seemed so uninvolved spiritually that I didn't think she would care at all. Now I wonder about my other friends. Certainly I have friends who dislike Christianity and Christians more than her. Can I expect similiar reactions from them?

I can't accept that someone could be so petty. I was starting to feel truly confident and empowered. Now I feel somehow threatened. No matter. I will follow God regardless... but I do hate to lose friends over it.

conviction.change [shift]

I spent part of my morning before work discovering new bands. This proved to be helpful and really lifted my spirits. I discovered what may be my new favorite song ("in Pieces" by Mae). I felt very lifted up today. It seemed to be a day of small victories and good feelings, but no real steps forward. Just more dancing around in a masquerade.

I drove home sometime after five. As I drove down 581, I saw a darkening sky, covered in tainted ivory and coal-brushed cotton. The air was cool, damp, and that dirtiest of all dirty words [bat]; promising. As I drove by a cathedral, I waived to God. The closest I have come to speaking to Him. It hit me. I haven't even prayed.

I have been content to let God talk to me... and I listen. I truly do. That's what that night at Flanary's was really all about. I was listening to God. I just took all of it in. The thing is, I have not spoken back. It's silly really. I know that He knows what is on my mind either way, but not saying anything keeps the communication one way. I think that for me, the big deal is that the moment that I talk to Him... the moment I pray, it's going to happen. I don't think I will be able to maintain this distance anymore... and that scares me.

It truly is what I want, God's love. I am also very afraid of the change. I fear the shift. How stubborn.

One Thousand Apologies

I passed through another week, another weekend. I have not really come any further. I have stopped moving forward and started running in place.

Another Sunday that I said I was going to try and get to church. Another Sunday that something came up. I still have not picked up a Bible. I can not locate my old one (the one that I got from Valley Reformed a lifetime ago). I have considered buying a new one... but I will miss my old one. It had all my noted and such, not to mention the fond memories. The point though is that it is hard to return... like I have no right to this. I have done too much. All the delicate ways, that I deepened our graves; my apology pales [dh].


I still have not told my wife. The longer I take the harder it gets. I feel sick thinking about it. I know I am making more out of this than need be. She will do what she always does: support me no matter what. I know that.

I keep coming back to my wasted potential. I can't help but wonder what could have been had I not been so dumb and weak. I've allowed every vice and slavery to shackle me over a period of fifteen years and squandered every gift I was given. There is a tickle of a whisper telling me that it is simply too late for me. I am trying so hard to keep trying, and yet I feel that I can not keeptreading water. My limbs are on fire with pain. I am drowning.

I'm reminded of a lyric written by the late great Gene Eugene: There was a time that I might have surrendered but not now [aa]. I need to make progress before I lose myself again.

I Just Want to Get Warm

This morning I wake from struggle. Up struggles the sun from a wounded night [mh]. I'm a sinner. I have come to terms with that. What I don't want to do is fall into a self destructive pattern. I want to rise above. I do not want to live like I am an island. Prisoners of the small worlds that orbit in our skulls [mh].

I am still isolated. I am still trying to make sense of things. I am unsure where my old Bible is. It is the one I have from a lifetime ago. I have not been reading. I am still dangerously close to the edge right now, looking over a precipice at my former life. Every once in a while, it beckons me closer. I feel cold.

Facing Forward, Running In Place

It has been a rough few days. I have had to examine my habits and decisions. Sometimes I see myself and I am not at all happy with what I see. I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes.

I look back on my life, and while I try not to have regrets, I know I have made some bad choices. At this stage of my life, I feel so inaffective, so useless. Time has had it's way with me. My broken tired hands cant build a thing [dh]. I feel that at one time there was so much potential and that it has been squandered, leaving behind a husk. Now it just feels like a I can't accomplish anything.

Meanwhile, I still harbor this secret. I'm hiding it, like a treasure or a scar, I'm not sure. I know that I still don't feel ready. I pray that God can keep this secret safe another day [aa]. The big question is when am I going to feel comfortable enough to do so? When am I going to be that confident? I can't be effective like this. I'm huddled in a fallout shelter.

I think I had a lot to offer at one point. I'm sure God can find something in me, but I ust wish I knew what it was. I want to be overjoyed. I want to be filled with hope and light. I feel overcome by sadness and loss. Everytime I think I start to see something, I stumble so hard I can't even get up immediately. My shaking hands can't lift me back up. My feet are uncertain. Our careless feet leaving trails, never minding the fragile dirt we all end in [dh].

I want to move forward.

The Earth is Hard, But the Treasure Fine

As strange as it seems to me, I feel I have been strengthened and fortified during this time of quiet. While I have been hiding, I have also been trying to re-enforce. I have been stealthy, but also studied.

All I can figure is that God is letting me know that he is not letting me go that easy. I wonder how long it will be. Count the stars to measure time [aa]. I am unsure, but I know all will be well.

To some degree it is an issue of courage. I realize that. Perhaps that too is being built up. Soon... soon.

Believing is Seeing

Wednesday the 26th was my wedding anniversary. It went very well and I got to spend a decent amount of time with my wife. We spent a great evening at Annie Moore's over pints as well.

We have been together for three years, and while it has not always been perfect, it has been wonderful. I love her so very much.

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I have been so up and down. Barometric pressure rising and falling inside of me. The weight. It isn't that I am confused about what to do... but how to do it.

I see so much potential and so much beauty just squandered in the world around me. You're trampling the flowers as you dance on by [ata]. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I wonder how long I have not noticed it. Did I smell love decaying and call it perfume [tc]? How long have I been asleep?

I know much of this is my transitional feelings as I go from one life to another. I know that when I am able to fully embrace my life with God, I will see better.

River On Fire

Another day.

I nearly had a bad moment today. I want to resist saying Satan did this or that... it seems weird right now, but I did feel a presence. Doubt? Darkness?

I don't know. All of the feelings are fragmented. Pieces of mica flaking apart in my hands. I can feel seperate sheets of things but I have no idea how it all fits together.

This morning I felt this sudden stab of doubt. It was so quick I almost didn't realize that it had happened. Then, I stopped and said No. I said it out loud. Isaid it loud enough that I was suddenly very self conscious about it. It went away though.

Hanging on this way has gotten harder. I am still here, but I have to start doing more. I have told four people. I have joined some online groups. I am trying to get a grasp on my feelings.

What I am not doing yet is going to a church, talking to my wife, reading the Bible (I can't find mine), going public, living the way I want to.

My words stumble, my tongue trips, and I can't seem to say exactly what I feel I need to. This place has become comfortable though. I enjoy coming here and just saying what I feel.

I am uncertain. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to keep struggling and fighting.

I am certain. I know I want to do this. I know I can do this.

...

I go forth into another day.

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I have visions of walks with friends as a teen-ager. I see us sitting around singing praise songs. I recall in depth non-Sunday school-style discussions of the spirit. I remember being on a mountain, near a church, talking about chants and hymns and predestination. I have fond memories of a life that now seems like something I saw in a movie.

My friend said one time that we were so foolish. That we believed our lives would go on, like a TV show. Our little social group was like that. It crumbled away though, as soon as the ratings began to slip.

Is It Secret? Is It Safe?

As I write this I am still wondering how all of this is going to work out. I am still hiding in secret. I am still so worried about how people will react.

I have told four people. Only two see me regularly, and neither is my wife. I know that I should be telling her. I know that she will listen. I know that she will support my decision. I do not wish to upset or alienate her. I'm not saying that my choice will upset her, but I feel like it could. She has always been so patient with me.

I am so worried about messing this up. It gnaws at me. There is a sense of urgency and nervousness making me slightly ill on my stomach when I think on it.

This is hard. God help me.

The Tide Began to Rise

I can see now that this has been going on for a while. I look back and it is evident to me.

I was reading the notes for a game I was planning to run earlier this year. I was calling it Acquisitions and I shan't bore you with the details, but it was very much about faith and belief. The entire first "season" was devoted to the concept of catechism: What do you (the characters) believe? It is no surprise that this took a decidedly Abrahamic bent.

I have been talking with few select friends that I trust and a lot has come of it. All of them have been wonderful and supportive. One friend in particular told me that I "woke him up." He wants to start holding a gathering of sorts for discussions. I thought that sounded wonderful.

There are other signs too. These two following posts were from a blog I wrote two entries for and forgot about because I was so busy trying to help start an independent business.

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Monday, March 2, 2009
Mercury:

I am tired. My exhaustion is both from work and from my life. There seems no end to the signs and conflicts that cross my path.


So why do I feel so alone. Why do I feel so isolated and completely cut off?

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I am in the middle of a huge project for work. This project has taken all of my time for weeks. Even through this, I can not lose myself in it long enough to avoid the heaviness in my heart. It's a hollow place, weighing me down... crushing me under its absence. In all of this, I get signs... little things I see and hear that tell me that maybe I am not completely crazy. Fine. Maybe I am not crazy, but am I still doomed? What if I can't let go? What if I can't find my way? I wander...

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Thursday, March 5, 2009

...if this is all the love my spirit can give...:

I am typically the kind of guy who will always stop to help strangers. It's not some big showy thing or even a big deal. I have just always been that way. I believe the best way to change the world is often to change the way I do things. After all, I can't complain about someone else's behavior if mine is no better.

This morning a woman at the gas station wanted a ride. She said she was stranded. It was morning, and a clear (albeit cold) day. The cashier warned me that she was a liar and I had this sudden feeling inside of danger. I told her that I could not help her but that I hoped her situation changed. She seemed more irritated than upset, but I did not know what else to do. She also wanted my cell phone... but again, I had that pang of fear. All I could think of was that she could run off with the phone. I offered her change for the pay phone, she refused, saying it didn't work.

Had I given her a ride, she could have pulled a gun on me and I would never have been able to do anything about it. Then again, she may have been genuine. I do not know. I called my wife and told her and she said that I did the right thing because she could have been dangerous. My question (and the one that will nag me all day) is: is that the person I want to be? Do I want to be the guy that only helps when it poses me no danger or inconvenience? If I had given her a ride, and she did pull a gun on me, would it be so bad to die doing the right thing?

No, I don't have a martyr complex, I just don't want to get so jaded that I lose sight of what I should be.

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Did I do the right thing? I don't know...

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END.

I suppose these feelings have been here a while.

[debut]

On this day, I am going forward. I am putting a foot in front of me and going in a direction I have not seriously walked in a very long time.

I suppose some explanation is in order.

I became a Christian when I was about 16 years old. I prayed the prayer in the front of my AMC Concorde on a Tuesday night in front my high school friend's house. Her and her family were instrumental in my faith. They saved me and I will be eternally grateful for their patience and love. I walked that path for several years (not perfectly mind you) and then I began to seriously stumble.

I got married, had a child, and began to study Wicca and paganism in general. At the time I was completely enamored with the idea of magic and fantasy and all of the aspects of these things that came with neo-paganism. I had become disillusioned with the church when I started to see how many things were not as black and white as I had thought.

This upset my wife. I practiced for a few years before I finally stopped. Even stopping, I did not completely leave it behind. I just did not do it actively. When we split up in 2003 I viewed this as an opportunity to reclaim my pagan pratices. I revived my local online group and started anew.

I met a girl during this time who also practiced. She was more of a self-taught non-traditional witch, but she was definitely pagan. We were both so happy to have someone else who believed.

The problem was that I realized with time that I didn't. I tried to, I really tried... for years. I tried paganism, Taoism, I flirted with Christianity, and other paths as well... The problem was that I did not believe in any of it. I wanted to, but wanting is not enough. I finally saw that paganism was something that I liked the idea of, but knew in my heart wasn't true.

During this time the only things that did make sense were my games and my music. I tried to concentrate on that. That was when I discovered Demon Hunter. I have always listened to my favorite Christian bands regardless of my beliefs because they produce really good music. Demon Hunter though... God used that to convict me over and over... to make me face the truth.

Since then I have joined the Blessed Resistance and struggled with what to do. I'm a gamer, my wife is a witch, and I have very few Christian friends. I have spent the last few days talking with them.

God really spoke to me the other night over a pint in my favorite pub. He made it very clear what is expected of me. I freaked a little. I'm doing better now. I know I must be on the right path because I swear I can feel the subtle tendrils of Satan trying to fill me with doubt. So far, it isn't working.

So, here we go.