Forward Motion

Things have been getting better everyday. I am praying regularly, I've been reading my new Bible (still need to do so more), I'm attending church, and my circle of friends knows where I stand.

I have had a few minor setbacks, but I am working with God on these problems. I am trying to put it all behind me... The record that we kept of wrongs and rights [m].

Now with my wife and our youngest attending church with me, things seem to be falling into place. Our eldest and my daughter will be a different story, for they both carry their own complications. I have faith though, I really do.

Sometimes I wonder how hings ever got to this point. Did I wake up one morning a creature of night [tc]? The truth is that I know... I lost my faith because I was focused on the wrong things. I lost sight of God's love... I was focused on facts and figures. It has been a wake up call to me, and a warning.

In unrelated news, I have been considering my writing projects, and how I may change them in light of my change. More on that later...

A Whisper & A Clamour

The past several days have been full of activity and surprises. I have have seen ups and downs, triumphs and failures.

Several days ago, I was given a new Bible by my friend Leslie. After my complaints about how my old one was lost (and ruined with mildew), she went and got one for me. It was a tremendous gift and I am very thankful and humbled.

I went to church Sunday. It was the first time since all of this happened that I was able to. It was wonderful and welcoming. The community was friendly and open. They are a Grace-ful lot.

I spoke to my wife finally. I went to her Sunday night. She was not upset about my revelation at all. She was, in fact, hapy for me. She further surprised me by saying she has always felt this is my true path. She was upset that I hid it from her. She was upset that I went to other people and we all kept this from her. We worked it out. I promised not to keep tings from her again. Lesson learned.

I "went public" last night on Facebook. It sounds weird... but I just wanted a way to let everyone who had been asking questions know what was going on. It was overall, very positive.

That's all for now. Let's keep it moving in a Forward Motion [tfk].

Never Take Friendship Personal

It's just after 1 a.m. I was checking my Facebook before going to bed. I had checked my message on there and was clicking on a friend's name who had recently sent me a message. She had un-friended me.

The significance of this social blow is unfolded with a short story, but first; an introduction.

I have known this girl for about ten years. I met her when she was about 15. I was the retail manager for High Peak Sportswear in downtown Roanoke. She was brought in by the new retail company-wide manager. Tara was an awkward girl at the time. She was in some ways mature for her age. I enjoyed her company at the store. We had some great conversations and she began to confide in me a little.

On some level I had assumed an older brother position with her. I picked on her, listened to her, and mildly lectured her at times. When I terminated my employment in 2002, I started to lose touch with her.

After my wife left me, I ran in to her a few times downtown. These encounters were friendly, at times harmlessly flirtatious, and always brief. When I found her on Facebook I was pleasantly surprised and we became friends on the site.

I posted a note just the other day thanking several individuals for all of their support and help while I have been going through this. The note was vague and anyone reading it who wasn't one of those people would have no idea what it was about... I'm still not public yet.

Tara sent me a note about one of the names I thanked. She asked if I went to his church and told me to be careful. What was really weird is that she asked if I had changed. I thought it sounded like an odd question. She told me to be careful of what a church might teach me and to listen to myself. I thanked her for her concern. I told her I was more interested in my relationship with God than what a church told me to believe. I even told her that I would be careful. She didn't write back. No big deal.

When I went to click on her name tonight, she had deleted me as a friend. Why?

-----------------------

It has gotten me worried all over again. I never thought of Tara as hostile toward Christians. She has always seemed so uninvolved spiritually that I didn't think she would care at all. Now I wonder about my other friends. Certainly I have friends who dislike Christianity and Christians more than her. Can I expect similiar reactions from them?

I can't accept that someone could be so petty. I was starting to feel truly confident and empowered. Now I feel somehow threatened. No matter. I will follow God regardless... but I do hate to lose friends over it.

conviction.change [shift]

I spent part of my morning before work discovering new bands. This proved to be helpful and really lifted my spirits. I discovered what may be my new favorite song ("in Pieces" by Mae). I felt very lifted up today. It seemed to be a day of small victories and good feelings, but no real steps forward. Just more dancing around in a masquerade.

I drove home sometime after five. As I drove down 581, I saw a darkening sky, covered in tainted ivory and coal-brushed cotton. The air was cool, damp, and that dirtiest of all dirty words [bat]; promising. As I drove by a cathedral, I waived to God. The closest I have come to speaking to Him. It hit me. I haven't even prayed.

I have been content to let God talk to me... and I listen. I truly do. That's what that night at Flanary's was really all about. I was listening to God. I just took all of it in. The thing is, I have not spoken back. It's silly really. I know that He knows what is on my mind either way, but not saying anything keeps the communication one way. I think that for me, the big deal is that the moment that I talk to Him... the moment I pray, it's going to happen. I don't think I will be able to maintain this distance anymore... and that scares me.

It truly is what I want, God's love. I am also very afraid of the change. I fear the shift. How stubborn.

One Thousand Apologies

I passed through another week, another weekend. I have not really come any further. I have stopped moving forward and started running in place.

Another Sunday that I said I was going to try and get to church. Another Sunday that something came up. I still have not picked up a Bible. I can not locate my old one (the one that I got from Valley Reformed a lifetime ago). I have considered buying a new one... but I will miss my old one. It had all my noted and such, not to mention the fond memories. The point though is that it is hard to return... like I have no right to this. I have done too much. All the delicate ways, that I deepened our graves; my apology pales [dh].


I still have not told my wife. The longer I take the harder it gets. I feel sick thinking about it. I know I am making more out of this than need be. She will do what she always does: support me no matter what. I know that.

I keep coming back to my wasted potential. I can't help but wonder what could have been had I not been so dumb and weak. I've allowed every vice and slavery to shackle me over a period of fifteen years and squandered every gift I was given. There is a tickle of a whisper telling me that it is simply too late for me. I am trying so hard to keep trying, and yet I feel that I can not keeptreading water. My limbs are on fire with pain. I am drowning.

I'm reminded of a lyric written by the late great Gene Eugene: There was a time that I might have surrendered but not now [aa]. I need to make progress before I lose myself again.

I Just Want to Get Warm

This morning I wake from struggle. Up struggles the sun from a wounded night [mh]. I'm a sinner. I have come to terms with that. What I don't want to do is fall into a self destructive pattern. I want to rise above. I do not want to live like I am an island. Prisoners of the small worlds that orbit in our skulls [mh].

I am still isolated. I am still trying to make sense of things. I am unsure where my old Bible is. It is the one I have from a lifetime ago. I have not been reading. I am still dangerously close to the edge right now, looking over a precipice at my former life. Every once in a while, it beckons me closer. I feel cold.

Facing Forward, Running In Place

It has been a rough few days. I have had to examine my habits and decisions. Sometimes I see myself and I am not at all happy with what I see. I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes.

I look back on my life, and while I try not to have regrets, I know I have made some bad choices. At this stage of my life, I feel so inaffective, so useless. Time has had it's way with me. My broken tired hands cant build a thing [dh]. I feel that at one time there was so much potential and that it has been squandered, leaving behind a husk. Now it just feels like a I can't accomplish anything.

Meanwhile, I still harbor this secret. I'm hiding it, like a treasure or a scar, I'm not sure. I know that I still don't feel ready. I pray that God can keep this secret safe another day [aa]. The big question is when am I going to feel comfortable enough to do so? When am I going to be that confident? I can't be effective like this. I'm huddled in a fallout shelter.

I think I had a lot to offer at one point. I'm sure God can find something in me, but I ust wish I knew what it was. I want to be overjoyed. I want to be filled with hope and light. I feel overcome by sadness and loss. Everytime I think I start to see something, I stumble so hard I can't even get up immediately. My shaking hands can't lift me back up. My feet are uncertain. Our careless feet leaving trails, never minding the fragile dirt we all end in [dh].

I want to move forward.