As strange as it seems to me, I feel I have been strengthened and fortified during this time of quiet. While I have been hiding, I have also been trying to re-enforce. I have been stealthy, but also studied.
All I can figure is that God is letting me know that he is not letting me go that easy. I wonder how long it will be. Count the stars to measure time [aa]. I am unsure, but I know all will be well.
To some degree it is an issue of courage. I realize that. Perhaps that too is being built up. Soon... soon.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Believing is Seeing
Wednesday the 26th was my wedding anniversary. It went very well and I got to spend a decent amount of time with my wife. We spent a great evening at Annie Moore's over pints as well.
We have been together for three years, and while it has not always been perfect, it has been wonderful. I love her so very much.
---------------
I have been so up and down. Barometric pressure rising and falling inside of me. The weight. It isn't that I am confused about what to do... but how to do it.
I see so much potential and so much beauty just squandered in the world around me. You're trampling the flowers as you dance on by [ata]. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I wonder how long I have not noticed it. Did I smell love decaying and call it perfume [tc]? How long have I been asleep?
I know much of this is my transitional feelings as I go from one life to another. I know that when I am able to fully embrace my life with God, I will see better.
We have been together for three years, and while it has not always been perfect, it has been wonderful. I love her so very much.
---------------
I have been so up and down. Barometric pressure rising and falling inside of me. The weight. It isn't that I am confused about what to do... but how to do it.
I see so much potential and so much beauty just squandered in the world around me. You're trampling the flowers as you dance on by [ata]. Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I wonder how long I have not noticed it. Did I smell love decaying and call it perfume [tc]? How long have I been asleep?
I know much of this is my transitional feelings as I go from one life to another. I know that when I am able to fully embrace my life with God, I will see better.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
River On Fire
Another day.
I nearly had a bad moment today. I want to resist saying Satan did this or that... it seems weird right now, but I did feel a presence. Doubt? Darkness?
I don't know. All of the feelings are fragmented. Pieces of mica flaking apart in my hands. I can feel seperate sheets of things but I have no idea how it all fits together.
This morning I felt this sudden stab of doubt. It was so quick I almost didn't realize that it had happened. Then, I stopped and said No. I said it out loud. Isaid it loud enough that I was suddenly very self conscious about it. It went away though.
Hanging on this way has gotten harder. I am still here, but I have to start doing more. I have told four people. I have joined some online groups. I am trying to get a grasp on my feelings.
What I am not doing yet is going to a church, talking to my wife, reading the Bible (I can't find mine), going public, living the way I want to.
My words stumble, my tongue trips, and I can't seem to say exactly what I feel I need to. This place has become comfortable though. I enjoy coming here and just saying what I feel.
I am uncertain. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to keep struggling and fighting.
I am certain. I know I want to do this. I know I can do this.
...
I go forth into another day.
-------------------------------------------
I have visions of walks with friends as a teen-ager. I see us sitting around singing praise songs. I recall in depth non-Sunday school-style discussions of the spirit. I remember being on a mountain, near a church, talking about chants and hymns and predestination. I have fond memories of a life that now seems like something I saw in a movie.
My friend said one time that we were so foolish. That we believed our lives would go on, like a TV show. Our little social group was like that. It crumbled away though, as soon as the ratings began to slip.
I nearly had a bad moment today. I want to resist saying Satan did this or that... it seems weird right now, but I did feel a presence. Doubt? Darkness?
I don't know. All of the feelings are fragmented. Pieces of mica flaking apart in my hands. I can feel seperate sheets of things but I have no idea how it all fits together.
This morning I felt this sudden stab of doubt. It was so quick I almost didn't realize that it had happened. Then, I stopped and said No. I said it out loud. Isaid it loud enough that I was suddenly very self conscious about it. It went away though.
Hanging on this way has gotten harder. I am still here, but I have to start doing more. I have told four people. I have joined some online groups. I am trying to get a grasp on my feelings.
What I am not doing yet is going to a church, talking to my wife, reading the Bible (I can't find mine), going public, living the way I want to.
My words stumble, my tongue trips, and I can't seem to say exactly what I feel I need to. This place has become comfortable though. I enjoy coming here and just saying what I feel.
I am uncertain. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to keep struggling and fighting.
I am certain. I know I want to do this. I know I can do this.
...
I go forth into another day.
-------------------------------------------
I have visions of walks with friends as a teen-ager. I see us sitting around singing praise songs. I recall in depth non-Sunday school-style discussions of the spirit. I remember being on a mountain, near a church, talking about chants and hymns and predestination. I have fond memories of a life that now seems like something I saw in a movie.
My friend said one time that we were so foolish. That we believed our lives would go on, like a TV show. Our little social group was like that. It crumbled away though, as soon as the ratings began to slip.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Is It Secret? Is It Safe?
As I write this I am still wondering how all of this is going to work out. I am still hiding in secret. I am still so worried about how people will react.
I have told four people. Only two see me regularly, and neither is my wife. I know that I should be telling her. I know that she will listen. I know that she will support my decision. I do not wish to upset or alienate her. I'm not saying that my choice will upset her, but I feel like it could. She has always been so patient with me.
I am so worried about messing this up. It gnaws at me. There is a sense of urgency and nervousness making me slightly ill on my stomach when I think on it.
This is hard. God help me.
I have told four people. Only two see me regularly, and neither is my wife. I know that I should be telling her. I know that she will listen. I know that she will support my decision. I do not wish to upset or alienate her. I'm not saying that my choice will upset her, but I feel like it could. She has always been so patient with me.
I am so worried about messing this up. It gnaws at me. There is a sense of urgency and nervousness making me slightly ill on my stomach when I think on it.
This is hard. God help me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Tide Began to Rise
I can see now that this has been going on for a while. I look back and it is evident to me.
I was reading the notes for a game I was planning to run earlier this year. I was calling it Acquisitions and I shan't bore you with the details, but it was very much about faith and belief. The entire first "season" was devoted to the concept of catechism: What do you (the characters) believe? It is no surprise that this took a decidedly Abrahamic bent.
I have been talking with few select friends that I trust and a lot has come of it. All of them have been wonderful and supportive. One friend in particular told me that I "woke him up." He wants to start holding a gathering of sorts for discussions. I thought that sounded wonderful.
There are other signs too. These two following posts were from a blog I wrote two entries for and forgot about because I was so busy trying to help start an independent business.
------------------
Monday, March 2, 2009
Mercury:
I am tired. My exhaustion is both from work and from my life. There seems no end to the signs and conflicts that cross my path.
So why do I feel so alone. Why do I feel so isolated and completely cut off?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am in the middle of a huge project for work. This project has taken all of my time for weeks. Even through this, I can not lose myself in it long enough to avoid the heaviness in my heart. It's a hollow place, weighing me down... crushing me under its absence. In all of this, I get signs... little things I see and hear that tell me that maybe I am not completely crazy. Fine. Maybe I am not crazy, but am I still doomed? What if I can't let go? What if I can't find my way? I wander...
---------------------------------------------
Thursday, March 5, 2009
...if this is all the love my spirit can give...:
I am typically the kind of guy who will always stop to help strangers. It's not some big showy thing or even a big deal. I have just always been that way. I believe the best way to change the world is often to change the way I do things. After all, I can't complain about someone else's behavior if mine is no better.
This morning a woman at the gas station wanted a ride. She said she was stranded. It was morning, and a clear (albeit cold) day. The cashier warned me that she was a liar and I had this sudden feeling inside of danger. I told her that I could not help her but that I hoped her situation changed. She seemed more irritated than upset, but I did not know what else to do. She also wanted my cell phone... but again, I had that pang of fear. All I could think of was that she could run off with the phone. I offered her change for the pay phone, she refused, saying it didn't work.
Had I given her a ride, she could have pulled a gun on me and I would never have been able to do anything about it. Then again, she may have been genuine. I do not know. I called my wife and told her and she said that I did the right thing because she could have been dangerous. My question (and the one that will nag me all day) is: is that the person I want to be? Do I want to be the guy that only helps when it poses me no danger or inconvenience? If I had given her a ride, and she did pull a gun on me, would it be so bad to die doing the right thing?
No, I don't have a martyr complex, I just don't want to get so jaded that I lose sight of what I should be.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did I do the right thing? I don't know...
----------------------------------------
END.
I suppose these feelings have been here a while.
I was reading the notes for a game I was planning to run earlier this year. I was calling it Acquisitions and I shan't bore you with the details, but it was very much about faith and belief. The entire first "season" was devoted to the concept of catechism: What do you (the characters) believe? It is no surprise that this took a decidedly Abrahamic bent.
I have been talking with few select friends that I trust and a lot has come of it. All of them have been wonderful and supportive. One friend in particular told me that I "woke him up." He wants to start holding a gathering of sorts for discussions. I thought that sounded wonderful.
There are other signs too. These two following posts were from a blog I wrote two entries for and forgot about because I was so busy trying to help start an independent business.
------------------
Monday, March 2, 2009
Mercury:
I am tired. My exhaustion is both from work and from my life. There seems no end to the signs and conflicts that cross my path.
So why do I feel so alone. Why do I feel so isolated and completely cut off?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am in the middle of a huge project for work. This project has taken all of my time for weeks. Even through this, I can not lose myself in it long enough to avoid the heaviness in my heart. It's a hollow place, weighing me down... crushing me under its absence. In all of this, I get signs... little things I see and hear that tell me that maybe I am not completely crazy. Fine. Maybe I am not crazy, but am I still doomed? What if I can't let go? What if I can't find my way? I wander...
---------------------------------------------
Thursday, March 5, 2009
...if this is all the love my spirit can give...:
I am typically the kind of guy who will always stop to help strangers. It's not some big showy thing or even a big deal. I have just always been that way. I believe the best way to change the world is often to change the way I do things. After all, I can't complain about someone else's behavior if mine is no better.
This morning a woman at the gas station wanted a ride. She said she was stranded. It was morning, and a clear (albeit cold) day. The cashier warned me that she was a liar and I had this sudden feeling inside of danger. I told her that I could not help her but that I hoped her situation changed. She seemed more irritated than upset, but I did not know what else to do. She also wanted my cell phone... but again, I had that pang of fear. All I could think of was that she could run off with the phone. I offered her change for the pay phone, she refused, saying it didn't work.
Had I given her a ride, she could have pulled a gun on me and I would never have been able to do anything about it. Then again, she may have been genuine. I do not know. I called my wife and told her and she said that I did the right thing because she could have been dangerous. My question (and the one that will nag me all day) is: is that the person I want to be? Do I want to be the guy that only helps when it poses me no danger or inconvenience? If I had given her a ride, and she did pull a gun on me, would it be so bad to die doing the right thing?
No, I don't have a martyr complex, I just don't want to get so jaded that I lose sight of what I should be.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did I do the right thing? I don't know...
----------------------------------------
END.
I suppose these feelings have been here a while.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
[debut]
On this day, I am going forward. I am putting a foot in front of me and going in a direction I have not seriously walked in a very long time.
I suppose some explanation is in order.
I became a Christian when I was about 16 years old. I prayed the prayer in the front of my AMC Concorde on a Tuesday night in front my high school friend's house. Her and her family were instrumental in my faith. They saved me and I will be eternally grateful for their patience and love. I walked that path for several years (not perfectly mind you) and then I began to seriously stumble.
I got married, had a child, and began to study Wicca and paganism in general. At the time I was completely enamored with the idea of magic and fantasy and all of the aspects of these things that came with neo-paganism. I had become disillusioned with the church when I started to see how many things were not as black and white as I had thought.
This upset my wife. I practiced for a few years before I finally stopped. Even stopping, I did not completely leave it behind. I just did not do it actively. When we split up in 2003 I viewed this as an opportunity to reclaim my pagan pratices. I revived my local online group and started anew.
I met a girl during this time who also practiced. She was more of a self-taught non-traditional witch, but she was definitely pagan. We were both so happy to have someone else who believed.
The problem was that I realized with time that I didn't. I tried to, I really tried... for years. I tried paganism, Taoism, I flirted with Christianity, and other paths as well... The problem was that I did not believe in any of it. I wanted to, but wanting is not enough. I finally saw that paganism was something that I liked the idea of, but knew in my heart wasn't true.
During this time the only things that did make sense were my games and my music. I tried to concentrate on that. That was when I discovered Demon Hunter. I have always listened to my favorite Christian bands regardless of my beliefs because they produce really good music. Demon Hunter though... God used that to convict me over and over... to make me face the truth.
Since then I have joined the Blessed Resistance and struggled with what to do. I'm a gamer, my wife is a witch, and I have very few Christian friends. I have spent the last few days talking with them.
God really spoke to me the other night over a pint in my favorite pub. He made it very clear what is expected of me. I freaked a little. I'm doing better now. I know I must be on the right path because I swear I can feel the subtle tendrils of Satan trying to fill me with doubt. So far, it isn't working.
So, here we go.
I suppose some explanation is in order.
I became a Christian when I was about 16 years old. I prayed the prayer in the front of my AMC Concorde on a Tuesday night in front my high school friend's house. Her and her family were instrumental in my faith. They saved me and I will be eternally grateful for their patience and love. I walked that path for several years (not perfectly mind you) and then I began to seriously stumble.
I got married, had a child, and began to study Wicca and paganism in general. At the time I was completely enamored with the idea of magic and fantasy and all of the aspects of these things that came with neo-paganism. I had become disillusioned with the church when I started to see how many things were not as black and white as I had thought.
This upset my wife. I practiced for a few years before I finally stopped. Even stopping, I did not completely leave it behind. I just did not do it actively. When we split up in 2003 I viewed this as an opportunity to reclaim my pagan pratices. I revived my local online group and started anew.
I met a girl during this time who also practiced. She was more of a self-taught non-traditional witch, but she was definitely pagan. We were both so happy to have someone else who believed.
The problem was that I realized with time that I didn't. I tried to, I really tried... for years. I tried paganism, Taoism, I flirted with Christianity, and other paths as well... The problem was that I did not believe in any of it. I wanted to, but wanting is not enough. I finally saw that paganism was something that I liked the idea of, but knew in my heart wasn't true.
During this time the only things that did make sense were my games and my music. I tried to concentrate on that. That was when I discovered Demon Hunter. I have always listened to my favorite Christian bands regardless of my beliefs because they produce really good music. Demon Hunter though... God used that to convict me over and over... to make me face the truth.
Since then I have joined the Blessed Resistance and struggled with what to do. I'm a gamer, my wife is a witch, and I have very few Christian friends. I have spent the last few days talking with them.
God really spoke to me the other night over a pint in my favorite pub. He made it very clear what is expected of me. I freaked a little. I'm doing better now. I know I must be on the right path because I swear I can feel the subtle tendrils of Satan trying to fill me with doubt. So far, it isn't working.
So, here we go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
