One Thousand Apologies

I passed through another week, another weekend. I have not really come any further. I have stopped moving forward and started running in place.

Another Sunday that I said I was going to try and get to church. Another Sunday that something came up. I still have not picked up a Bible. I can not locate my old one (the one that I got from Valley Reformed a lifetime ago). I have considered buying a new one... but I will miss my old one. It had all my noted and such, not to mention the fond memories. The point though is that it is hard to return... like I have no right to this. I have done too much. All the delicate ways, that I deepened our graves; my apology pales [dh].


I still have not told my wife. The longer I take the harder it gets. I feel sick thinking about it. I know I am making more out of this than need be. She will do what she always does: support me no matter what. I know that.

I keep coming back to my wasted potential. I can't help but wonder what could have been had I not been so dumb and weak. I've allowed every vice and slavery to shackle me over a period of fifteen years and squandered every gift I was given. There is a tickle of a whisper telling me that it is simply too late for me. I am trying so hard to keep trying, and yet I feel that I can not keeptreading water. My limbs are on fire with pain. I am drowning.

I'm reminded of a lyric written by the late great Gene Eugene: There was a time that I might have surrendered but not now [aa]. I need to make progress before I lose myself again.