It has been a rough few days. I have had to examine my habits and decisions. Sometimes I see myself and I am not at all happy with what I see. I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes.
I look back on my life, and while I try not to have regrets, I know I have made some bad choices. At this stage of my life, I feel so inaffective, so useless. Time has had it's way with me. My broken tired hands cant build a thing [dh]. I feel that at one time there was so much potential and that it has been squandered, leaving behind a husk. Now it just feels like a I can't accomplish anything.
Meanwhile, I still harbor this secret. I'm hiding it, like a treasure or a scar, I'm not sure. I know that I still don't feel ready. I pray that God can keep this secret safe another day [aa]. The big question is when am I going to feel comfortable enough to do so? When am I going to be that confident? I can't be effective like this. I'm huddled in a fallout shelter.
I think I had a lot to offer at one point. I'm sure God can find something in me, but I ust wish I knew what it was. I want to be overjoyed. I want to be filled with hope and light. I feel overcome by sadness and loss. Everytime I think I start to see something, I stumble so hard I can't even get up immediately. My shaking hands can't lift me back up. My feet are uncertain. Our careless feet leaving trails, never minding the fragile dirt we all end in [dh].
I want to move forward.
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