conviction.change [shift]

I spent part of my morning before work discovering new bands. This proved to be helpful and really lifted my spirits. I discovered what may be my new favorite song ("in Pieces" by Mae). I felt very lifted up today. It seemed to be a day of small victories and good feelings, but no real steps forward. Just more dancing around in a masquerade.

I drove home sometime after five. As I drove down 581, I saw a darkening sky, covered in tainted ivory and coal-brushed cotton. The air was cool, damp, and that dirtiest of all dirty words [bat]; promising. As I drove by a cathedral, I waived to God. The closest I have come to speaking to Him. It hit me. I haven't even prayed.

I have been content to let God talk to me... and I listen. I truly do. That's what that night at Flanary's was really all about. I was listening to God. I just took all of it in. The thing is, I have not spoken back. It's silly really. I know that He knows what is on my mind either way, but not saying anything keeps the communication one way. I think that for me, the big deal is that the moment that I talk to Him... the moment I pray, it's going to happen. I don't think I will be able to maintain this distance anymore... and that scares me.

It truly is what I want, God's love. I am also very afraid of the change. I fear the shift. How stubborn.

I Just Want to Get Warm

This morning I wake from struggle. Up struggles the sun from a wounded night [mh]. I'm a sinner. I have come to terms with that. What I don't want to do is fall into a self destructive pattern. I want to rise above. I do not want to live like I am an island. Prisoners of the small worlds that orbit in our skulls [mh].

I am still isolated. I am still trying to make sense of things. I am unsure where my old Bible is. It is the one I have from a lifetime ago. I have not been reading. I am still dangerously close to the edge right now, looking over a precipice at my former life. Every once in a while, it beckons me closer. I feel cold.

Facing Forward, Running In Place

It has been a rough few days. I have had to examine my habits and decisions. Sometimes I see myself and I am not at all happy with what I see. I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes.

I look back on my life, and while I try not to have regrets, I know I have made some bad choices. At this stage of my life, I feel so inaffective, so useless. Time has had it's way with me. My broken tired hands cant build a thing [dh]. I feel that at one time there was so much potential and that it has been squandered, leaving behind a husk. Now it just feels like a I can't accomplish anything.

Meanwhile, I still harbor this secret. I'm hiding it, like a treasure or a scar, I'm not sure. I know that I still don't feel ready. I pray that God can keep this secret safe another day [aa]. The big question is when am I going to feel comfortable enough to do so? When am I going to be that confident? I can't be effective like this. I'm huddled in a fallout shelter.

I think I had a lot to offer at one point. I'm sure God can find something in me, but I ust wish I knew what it was. I want to be overjoyed. I want to be filled with hope and light. I feel overcome by sadness and loss. Everytime I think I start to see something, I stumble so hard I can't even get up immediately. My shaking hands can't lift me back up. My feet are uncertain. Our careless feet leaving trails, never minding the fragile dirt we all end in [dh].

I want to move forward.