Never Take Friendship Personal

It's just after 1 a.m. I was checking my Facebook before going to bed. I had checked my message on there and was clicking on a friend's name who had recently sent me a message. She had un-friended me.

The significance of this social blow is unfolded with a short story, but first; an introduction.

I have known this girl for about ten years. I met her when she was about 15. I was the retail manager for High Peak Sportswear in downtown Roanoke. She was brought in by the new retail company-wide manager. Tara was an awkward girl at the time. She was in some ways mature for her age. I enjoyed her company at the store. We had some great conversations and she began to confide in me a little.

On some level I had assumed an older brother position with her. I picked on her, listened to her, and mildly lectured her at times. When I terminated my employment in 2002, I started to lose touch with her.

After my wife left me, I ran in to her a few times downtown. These encounters were friendly, at times harmlessly flirtatious, and always brief. When I found her on Facebook I was pleasantly surprised and we became friends on the site.

I posted a note just the other day thanking several individuals for all of their support and help while I have been going through this. The note was vague and anyone reading it who wasn't one of those people would have no idea what it was about... I'm still not public yet.

Tara sent me a note about one of the names I thanked. She asked if I went to his church and told me to be careful. What was really weird is that she asked if I had changed. I thought it sounded like an odd question. She told me to be careful of what a church might teach me and to listen to myself. I thanked her for her concern. I told her I was more interested in my relationship with God than what a church told me to believe. I even told her that I would be careful. She didn't write back. No big deal.

When I went to click on her name tonight, she had deleted me as a friend. Why?

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It has gotten me worried all over again. I never thought of Tara as hostile toward Christians. She has always seemed so uninvolved spiritually that I didn't think she would care at all. Now I wonder about my other friends. Certainly I have friends who dislike Christianity and Christians more than her. Can I expect similiar reactions from them?

I can't accept that someone could be so petty. I was starting to feel truly confident and empowered. Now I feel somehow threatened. No matter. I will follow God regardless... but I do hate to lose friends over it.

conviction.change [shift]

I spent part of my morning before work discovering new bands. This proved to be helpful and really lifted my spirits. I discovered what may be my new favorite song ("in Pieces" by Mae). I felt very lifted up today. It seemed to be a day of small victories and good feelings, but no real steps forward. Just more dancing around in a masquerade.

I drove home sometime after five. As I drove down 581, I saw a darkening sky, covered in tainted ivory and coal-brushed cotton. The air was cool, damp, and that dirtiest of all dirty words [bat]; promising. As I drove by a cathedral, I waived to God. The closest I have come to speaking to Him. It hit me. I haven't even prayed.

I have been content to let God talk to me... and I listen. I truly do. That's what that night at Flanary's was really all about. I was listening to God. I just took all of it in. The thing is, I have not spoken back. It's silly really. I know that He knows what is on my mind either way, but not saying anything keeps the communication one way. I think that for me, the big deal is that the moment that I talk to Him... the moment I pray, it's going to happen. I don't think I will be able to maintain this distance anymore... and that scares me.

It truly is what I want, God's love. I am also very afraid of the change. I fear the shift. How stubborn.

I Just Want to Get Warm

This morning I wake from struggle. Up struggles the sun from a wounded night [mh]. I'm a sinner. I have come to terms with that. What I don't want to do is fall into a self destructive pattern. I want to rise above. I do not want to live like I am an island. Prisoners of the small worlds that orbit in our skulls [mh].

I am still isolated. I am still trying to make sense of things. I am unsure where my old Bible is. It is the one I have from a lifetime ago. I have not been reading. I am still dangerously close to the edge right now, looking over a precipice at my former life. Every once in a while, it beckons me closer. I feel cold.

Facing Forward, Running In Place

It has been a rough few days. I have had to examine my habits and decisions. Sometimes I see myself and I am not at all happy with what I see. I'm sure everyone feels that way sometimes.

I look back on my life, and while I try not to have regrets, I know I have made some bad choices. At this stage of my life, I feel so inaffective, so useless. Time has had it's way with me. My broken tired hands cant build a thing [dh]. I feel that at one time there was so much potential and that it has been squandered, leaving behind a husk. Now it just feels like a I can't accomplish anything.

Meanwhile, I still harbor this secret. I'm hiding it, like a treasure or a scar, I'm not sure. I know that I still don't feel ready. I pray that God can keep this secret safe another day [aa]. The big question is when am I going to feel comfortable enough to do so? When am I going to be that confident? I can't be effective like this. I'm huddled in a fallout shelter.

I think I had a lot to offer at one point. I'm sure God can find something in me, but I ust wish I knew what it was. I want to be overjoyed. I want to be filled with hope and light. I feel overcome by sadness and loss. Everytime I think I start to see something, I stumble so hard I can't even get up immediately. My shaking hands can't lift me back up. My feet are uncertain. Our careless feet leaving trails, never minding the fragile dirt we all end in [dh].

I want to move forward.