River On Fire

Another day.

I nearly had a bad moment today. I want to resist saying Satan did this or that... it seems weird right now, but I did feel a presence. Doubt? Darkness?

I don't know. All of the feelings are fragmented. Pieces of mica flaking apart in my hands. I can feel seperate sheets of things but I have no idea how it all fits together.

This morning I felt this sudden stab of doubt. It was so quick I almost didn't realize that it had happened. Then, I stopped and said No. I said it out loud. Isaid it loud enough that I was suddenly very self conscious about it. It went away though.

Hanging on this way has gotten harder. I am still here, but I have to start doing more. I have told four people. I have joined some online groups. I am trying to get a grasp on my feelings.

What I am not doing yet is going to a church, talking to my wife, reading the Bible (I can't find mine), going public, living the way I want to.

My words stumble, my tongue trips, and I can't seem to say exactly what I feel I need to. This place has become comfortable though. I enjoy coming here and just saying what I feel.

I am uncertain. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to keep struggling and fighting.

I am certain. I know I want to do this. I know I can do this.

...

I go forth into another day.

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I have visions of walks with friends as a teen-ager. I see us sitting around singing praise songs. I recall in depth non-Sunday school-style discussions of the spirit. I remember being on a mountain, near a church, talking about chants and hymns and predestination. I have fond memories of a life that now seems like something I saw in a movie.

My friend said one time that we were so foolish. That we believed our lives would go on, like a TV show. Our little social group was like that. It crumbled away though, as soon as the ratings began to slip.